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The American author John Irving (The World According to Garp, The Cider House Rules, A Prayer for Owen Meany), with our host Dr. Joven Cuanang. Photos by JZ.

Dr. Cuanang hosted a dinner for John Irving last night at the fabulous Pinto Art Museum in Antipolo. I was invited, probably on the assumption that I’d read all the novels of John Irving. In truth I was a huge fan of John Irving in high school, but the last Irving I read was his sixth novel, The Cider House Rules, and he’s written six more novels since then. Everything I know about John Irving is from the early period, when his novels contained wrestling, Philips Exeter Academy, and bears.

The dinner guests were mostly John Irving fans, so if I faked familiarity with his work I would probably get caught. Then I remembered that Andy went to Exeter so I texted him in case he had any inside information: What should I ask John Irving?

Andy replied: Ask him what his win-loss record was in wrestling.

I did. And it was the best possible opening I could’ve used. Thanks, Andy.

You know how you can’t recognize most authors from the photos on the back covers of their books? John Irving looks exactly like his book photos.

New news so confusing we put it on top: Coach Simon McMenemy replaced? What the.

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This is all tentative, but if you’re planning to watch the Azkals Philippine football team take on the Mongolian team in the AFC Challenge Cup 2012 Qualifiers in Bacolod next month, you might find the information below useful. Thanks to our indefatigable head of online research, brewhuh23.

Neil Etheridge fans: We don’t know if Neil can join the Azkals in February as he has been named to his club Fulham’s first team. It would be great to see Neil in Bacolod but. . .He’s on the first team of an English premiership club! First player of Filipino descent, as far as we know.

Of course the all-time leading scorer of FC Barcelona with 357 goals in 357 games is the Spanish-Filipino Paulino Alcantara, who played for the club between 1912 and 1927. In 1922, in a game between Spain and France, he hit a goal so hard it ripped the net. (Second most important factoid I picked up while doing Flip magazine, the first being the YC jingle lyrics.)

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The Dakar rally, the most grueling road race on earth, is on now. It used to start in France or Portugal and head on down to Africa but with increasing terrorist threats they moved to Argentina and Chile.

– Who are we rooting for?
– The bike race is almost always between the top two riders, Marc Coma of Spain and Cyril Despres of France.
– Under the circumstances shouldn’t Marc Coma have his name legally changed?
– Hahaha! He actually did go into a coma some time back.
– Haha! (That’s funny?!)

Here’s a montage of crashes at the Dakar rally. Do watch it with the volume off, the music is atrocious. Even better, watch the video while listening to Dakar by John Coltrane.

John coltrane – Dakar Found at abmp3 search engine

Our mantra: Philippines 2, Indonesia 0.
Or RP defeats Indonesia 1-0 in regular time, then 5-3 in the penalty shootout.
Neil-nil! Neil-nil! Neil-nil!

Join Chus and myself for our non-football commentary and fan support group therapy at 7:45 tonight.

In the meantime you could try bribing the cosmos for an Azkals victory. What would you give/give up to have the Philippine football team in the AFF Suzuki Cup final?

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We’re here! Sorry we’re late, too much multitasking and then Chus’s wifi is on the fritz and the USB dongle is acting up again.

Seven and a half minutes in, the Indonesians have had three attempts at goal, the Azkals none.

Chus: Ang lakas niyang sumipa, parang ako ang sinisipa niya.

Jessica: Masokista! Manyak!

Chus and Jessica: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Neil stops a Gonzales attempt.

Chus: Hoy Gonzales, naka-tsamba ka lang noong isang araw ha. (Hey Gonzales, you got lucky the other day but not again!)

Feel Younghusband takes a shot. Too high.

Some words between Del Rosario and an Indonesian player. Referee intervenes.

Greeeaaatwwwiiiiiiich. . . too high.

Gonzales. . .???

Chorus: I love you, Neil Etheridge.

Indonesia takes two more kicks! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Chus: Why can’t Neil move farther away from the box, I’m sure he could do more.

Jessica: Because he’s the goalie, sweetie.

Yellow card to Araneta.

Younghusbaaaaaand. . .too high.

Jessica (by SMS): Promising?

LeK (by SMS): Entertaining. Katakot.

Del Rosariooooooooo. . .too high.

LeK: The more dangerous forays and shots at goal have clearly been Indonesia’s. But our Neil very good. Our counterattacks okay so far, baka makatsamba (we might get lucky).

Yellow card to Gier for a foul on Gonzales.

Star Sports commentator: No way you’re going to beat a goalkeeper of Etheridge’s caliber with a shot like that. . .

Jessica and Chus: Haaay ang galing-galing ng commentator. (This commentator is brilliant.)

Near-brawl! Greatwich could’ve gotten a red card, gets a yellow.

And Gonzales kicks out their own goal.

Jessica and Chus: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt!!!

Gonzales kicks the ball into the net from 25 yards out. Indonesia 1, Phils 0. Brilliant strike, can’t begrudge him.

LeK: Alas aieeeeeee. Ur a gay 2, PHL 0 law of averages. And our defense bumabagsak.

We need more strikers. Feel Younghusband can’t do it all, he gets swarmed every time.

The first half ends.

All right people, moment of crisis. We need to will our balls into the net.

I am going to eat my dinner: nilagang baboy and red egg, prepared by the fabulous Becky.

Second half.

RP’s Gener pushes Ind’s Nasuha who already has a bandage on his head. Silly foul.

Aray! Indonesia has two shots at goal, Etheridge comes out to stop the second one, bumps into Yongki. Who goes down.

Chus: Wag niyong babanggain ang boyfriend ko. Masakit yan. (Don’t crash into my boyfriend, you will know pain.)

Have we any weapons left? Anything else we can try?

Indo’s Zulkifli has had two shots at goal so far in this half and our defense just leaves him alone. Don’t leave it all to Neil, guys.

Greaaaatwiiiiiich. . .almost.

Araneta goes down. Reverse batok (In mid-jump hits the back of his head against the defender’s leg).

The Indonesian goalie is down.

I don’t see a plan B, is there a plan B?

Neil repels an Indonesia goal with a kick from a half-split. Beautiful form.

Two good opportunities for the Azkals, no finishing touch aaaaargh.

Smartbro: Useless piece of crap.

I inhale a bag of potato chips in 5 minutes and I don’t even want potato chips. Stress eating.

The commentator points out that Feel Younghusband has talent but no hustle which probably explains why he’s no longer playing in Europe ouch.

Greatwich gets a red card. We play with ten men. Doesn’t matter.

Indonesia is through to the final with a 1-0 win over the Philippines.

If it hadn’t been for Neil Etheridge the score might’ve been 5-0.

LeK: K na rin yun. Parehong 1-0 lang. We lost honorably to Uruguay. And it had to take a brilliant strike. We fought well. Am sure if it had been at Panaad coliseum we would’ve won the first game, PHL 5 IND 0.

Jessica: And we have a villain! Sabunutan si Martinez!

LeK: Isali na si Raul Gonzales. Malamang kamag-anak ni Ur a gay.

That’s it for our liveblog. Thank you, Azkals; for two weeks we had a national sport outside of basketball. There’s work to be done: first, fix the Philippine Football Federation. But before that, we want Neil Etheridge.

Jessica: Ang lakas din gumamit ng hair gel ng boyfriend natin.

Chus: Pabayaan mo na siya!

Jessica: But you’re the hair fascist. You said no product.

Chus: He’s the one exception.

“All that I know most surely about morality and obligations I owe to football.” Albert Camus, goalkeeper. (It is not true that he wore the #1 jersey for Algeria, but he was very cool.)

Photos of Neil Etheridge from the Fulham FC site.

Azkals AFP photo. Shorts too long.

Make sure you’re near a television tonight at 8 when the Philippines takes on Indonesia in the semifinal of the AFF Suzuki Cup. The game will be aired on Channel 23.

Visiting Azkals hope to upset Indonesians at home

We will liveblog the match! If you’re online, join us in cheering for the Azkals and supporting each other as we threaten nervous breakdowns with every possession. See you in the Comments section!

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The Pre-Show

We asked the esteemed Couch Kamote for his thoughts on the underdog Azkals’ chances in Jakarta. Couch Kamote has been waxing poetic on the national futbol team, even confiding that Philippines’ goalkeeper Neil Etheridge is “dreamboat billboard material” and confusing his chromosomes.

LeK: Can’t go octopussy against our own. Hoping for and would be happy with nil-nil, but it may be 0-2. Ngek.

JZ: What! Have you no faith in Neil honey and the Azkals??

LeK: Have. But Indon, in Jakarta, can run amok. Our backline may not sustain the Big D for 90 minutes of mounting frenzy. Would be happy to be proven wrong.

JZ: Then I’d better start hexing the competition. Kulamin!

LeK: Sige, me too. Sacra ng draco ko sila.

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Random messages and long-distance dedications:

Chus: I love you, Neil Etheridge!

JZ: Well they’re not even supposed to have gotten this far. Life is randomness. There is always a chance.

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2000hrs. The match has begun.

Apparently there are 90+ million Filipinos and only one football commentator. Yes, it’s still that guy. Is it 1974?

Chus: OMG, (verb redacted) ang (noun redacted) ni Neil!

JZ: For crying out loud pretend to watch the futbol.

2015. LeK: So far so good. We have majority of possession, and are on the offensive surprisingly.

Aaaaaa! Almost.

Aaaaaaa! Another almost.

Hey the Azkals are attacking attacking attacking. Surprise!

LeK: Ang galing natin. Inspirado.

!@#$%^ my internet connection. Continuing in Comments.

Defensive lapse. Etheridge comes out to stop the ball, Jonsson bumps into him, ball flies past them, bounces, bounces off the post and into the net. Indonesia 1, Phils 0.

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The Azkals are fired up and dangerous. Our strikers need room to work. Stop going on and on about the miscommunication, there is plenty of time.

We do dwell on our mistakes.

LeK: At the risk of fulfilling my prediction, attack more in the second half but judiciously, without giving up defense. If we tie we demoralize the Indons. But. The Indons have so many more strikers and could turn up the heat in the second half.

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Second half.

Two minutes to go. The Azkals have not had many chances. Three minutes added.

Indonesia whiles away the time. They win, 1-0.

Chus: Neil, darling, don’t blame yourself. You’ve been great throughout the tournament and it was just bad luck. You have another game on Sunday. Win that by a two-point differential and you’re in. The final. Since you are already in my heart.

LeK: A 0-1 defeat in Jakarta is okay, an achievement. I am proud of our boys.

It was a fantastic effort. We can still make the final! Chus and I will be back on Sunday with our pointless commentary on non-football matters. Join us! Hey, we should all watch the game in a bar.

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Turns out we didn’t have to put up with the martial law throwback doomsday commentator on channel 23 because Star Sports or ESPN is airing the RP v Indonesia semifinals live hahaha!

Chus and I will watch the live telecast on cable on Sunday at his house because we need space for all the voodoo paraphernalia and alcohol. Join us for the liveblog this Sunday at 8pm!!!

LeK: I would give up (something important) for an Azkals 1-0 squeaker and then Neil saves two penalty kicks in the shootout and we kick in 4!

JZ: I will rename my eldest cat Koosalagoopagoop (Koosi) Galadriel Ivanisevic O’Brien-Etheridge if the Azkals make it to the final!

Not just a cat, The Mighty Kooshball!
Koosi: You forgot “goddess”.
Not just a cat, The Mighty Goddess Kooshball!