JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Unlike in football (soccer to Americans), acting talent is not required in rugby. No one falls down clutching his leg, screaming in pain. A game of sevens lasts 14 minutes; there just isn’t time to acknowledge your pain. The opponents are prepared to kill themselves and each other on the pitch, but off it they are friendly: who understands you better than your enemy?

What Wolfie is doing: bad acting.

There’s something I have to tell you about Andrew Farrar.

That. I asked him if he was committed to the tail (buntot). He said his girlfriend likes it so he’s keeping it.

Harry believes the Philippines could’ve beaten and will beat Japan, Sri Lanka, Kazakhstan with certain vital adjustments. The RP team has to play together regularly and often. So Justin, Patrice and Harry are looking for a European rugby team that will take all three of them.

At the closing dinner each team handed out awards to its players. Justin was named the Coach’s Player, Noel (who is himself the manager of the Cebu Dragons rugby club) the Manager’s Player, and Patrice the Players’ Player.

Ned had his picture taken with all the girls. Ned is a teenage boy.

After the closing dinner Chris and Andrew Everingham hung out with their dad, who had flown in from Australia to watch the tournament. I’ll have to check this factoid, but I think every Philippine rugby team has had at least one set of brothers in it, be it the Lettses, Duhigs, Saunderses, Morrises, Zappias, Everinghams and so on.

Our exclusive coverage of the Philippine Volcanoes at the Borneo 7s, brought to you by JessicaRulestheUniverse.com and Globe Telecom, ends tomorrow. What ever shall we do until the next tournament.

Photo: Wolfie, Japanese player, Patrice attempting gangsta, and Ned, at 18 the youngest guy on the team.

Wolfie has been holding that beer mug since the tournament closing dinner. “I love this glass!” Everyone changed into regular clothes and met up at the elevator, where we saw this badass player from the Japan team.

“How’re you doing?” they said.

“Shit balls fuck you!” the Japanese player yelled happily.

“We’re going out, wanna join us?”

“Crap motherfucker shit!” We love him.

Hong Kong is the champion of the Borneo 7s, beating Japan in the final. Hong Kong’s tiny killer scrum half: Keith Robertson, half-Filipino. More Keith later.

The bowl final for 9th place overall against Kazakhstan was expectedly brutal. Piles of bodies in the mud brutal—it had started to rain a half-hour before the match, but there are no rain delays in rugby.

From the stands it looked like a group wrestling match. One could almost hear bones crunching, and that was in the midst of a thunderstorm. Defense was heavy; the first half ended at 0-0. Patrice Olivier got hold of the ball and for about 30 seconds it looked like glory: he ran 60 meters before he was caught and brought down. That was one of too few chances; too much of the grappling was taking place near the Kazakhs’ goal line. With two minutes left on the scoreboard a Kazakh player inched his way across the line with half the Philippine team on him. That one try and conversion was enough.

Kazakhstan 7, Philippines 0. The Philippine men’s rugby team finishes tenth overall in the Borneo 7s. Last year the Volcanoes were runners-up in the plate final (sixth overall). Clearly there is work to be done: for starters we need a specialist sevens team that plays together constantly. Sevens is brutal, and today it was excruciating.

Here’s Andrew Wolff with a post-mortem. I think the attempt to be flippant says more about pain than a bucket of tears.

This exclusive coverage of the Philippine Volcanoes at the Borneo 7s on JessicaRulestheUniverse.com is made possible by Globe Telecom.

Pinoy riposte when faced with defeat: Pagandahan na lang tayo. (If this were a beauty pageant we’d already have won.) Wolfie appears on the IRB banner.

In the morning the Philippines was up against Chinese Taipei. The winner would go through to the bowl final for 9th place overall against Kazakhstan.

Andrew Wolff scored the first try as the Bruneian girls in our section screamed, “Go Wolfie!” The announcer said, “Try to Wang Chung of Chinese Taipei.” He was a little confused. Then Mark Chatting scored his second try of the tournament, with a conversion by Harry Morris.

The Philippines was up 12-0 when Chinese Taipei scored two tries in a row to pull even. Just before the final whistle blew Justin Coveney grabbed the ball, ran flat-out and dove across the line, landing face-down on the pitch. Too exhausted to get up, he raised a hand and high-fived the referee. It was also his second try of the tournament, and Noel Flowers converted. This time the announcer got Noel’s name right—yesterday he was “Noel Fleur” and “Noel Fillers”.

The bowl final against Kazakhstan was in the afternoon. We asked some players what they thought of their chances.

Noel Fleur/Fillers/Flowers:

Anything Patrice Olivier says is automatically adorable, so we asked him. (Everybody loves Patrice. The players freely admit it. “No,” Patrice says, “Some people hate me.” “Tell me who they are and I’ll have them killed!”)

Team captain Harry Morris assesses the Volcanoes’ performance at the Borneo 7s before the bowl final.

Harry Morris on RP vs Sri Lanka, Japan, Chinese Taipei

What our top try-scorers were doing before the match.

Mark Chatting took a nap, as did some of the other guys.

Justin Coveney, who is wearing not a bra but tape to protect his ribs and shoulders, was attended to by physiotherapist Damien Raper.

In the bowl final the Philippines lost to Kazakhstan, 0-7.

This exclusive coverage of the Philippine Volcanoes at the Borneo 7s is brought to you by JessicaRulestheUniverse.com and Globe Telecom.

The long weekend short edition.

Patrice is like everyone’s baby brother, if your baby brother is 6’4″. We went to a McDonald’s because Patrice wanted a Milo McFlurry. The clerk said they were all out of Milo McFlurries and offered him an Oreo McFlurry instead. “I do not want an Oreo McFlurry,” Patrice said in the deep voice and French accent. “I am so disappointed.”

This exclusive coverage of the Philippine Volcanoes at the Borneo 7s is brought to you by JessicaRulestheUniverse.com and Globe Telecom.

I knew the Japanese were good, but hot damn they can move. They kept tackling whoever had the ball, and when someone retrieved it they tackled him too.

We lost both matches.

I just got off the bus with the team and it felt like a funeral in there so it falls upon me to be the ray of sunshine. This does not happen. However, having just most of the last 72 hours in these guys’ pockets, I will be a fucking ray of sunshine if I have to. I wasn’t exactly sent to Borneo for my lack of enthusiasm. (If you’re looking for psychotic intensity look no farther.)

The Volcanoes in red, the Japanese in blue. The Japanese 7s team plays together all year round. The members of the Philippine 7s team met each other last Tuesday and trained together for two days. Not an excuse, a factoid.

So here’s the upside. In the first game the Philippines lost to Japan 34-12. This is not a debacle. No one expected the Philippines to win. But the Volcanoes scored two tries (by Patrice Olivier and by Noel Flowers, conversion by Harry Morris) against Japan and after halftime came within 5 points. Japan is an established rugby nation and the defending champion in this tournament.

Noel pointed out that Sri Lanka could not match the physicality of the Filipino team. What they had was a very big player who had so much pace they couldn’t catch him. Noel, whose wife Lucy flew in from Cebu to watch him play, had two greatish matches. I guess if you grow up with the name Flowers in Australia, you’d better know how to play rugby.

In the second game the Philippines lost to Sri Lanka 26-12. The Volcanoes took the early lead (try by Justin Coveney, conversion by Harry Morris, try by Mark Chatting) 12-5 but Sri Lanka caught up in the second half and ran away. Sri Lanka is an established rugby nation, and for a fledgling sevens team to score two tries against them is, as Coach pointed out, progress.

“How did the Sri Lankan team catch up?” I asked. Harry said, “Panic.”

Now I will give you the nerd explanation, so those who have not read Dune may stop here. The Volcanoes are the Fremen scattered across the deserts of Arrakis. Japan are the Sardaukar, Sri Lanka the Harkonnen (I’m not suggesting they’re evil, just making a science-fiction analogy). The Fremen have the ability to beat the Sardaukar, but first they must unite and train with the Atreides and the Bene Gesserit. It will happen.

Tomorrow the Philippines competes for the Bowl. I feel like I should buy everyone a drink, but they’re not allowed and there are games to play tomorrow.

This exclusive coverage of the Philippine Volcanoes at the Borneo 7s is brought to you by JessicaRulestheUniverse.com through a sponsorship from Globe Telecom, which is not responsible for cusswords or Dune analogies.